The Center Education Parenting
Conscious ParentingBy H HansonCommunication Listening Kids Are Old Souls Help Them Discover Their Passion Reasonable Rules Father & Friend How often have you heard that raising children today is much more difficult than in the past? For as long as I can remember I’ve heard this proclaimed from parents especially while in the middle of dealing with teenagers. Actually the years of growing into adulthood have challenged parents and teenagers in every culture throughout the ages and its part of the journey through life. Conscious parenting is about raising your level of awareness and watching the unscripted play in which you and your kids are participants. We dance together and teach them while being students ourselves. It’s a wonderful opportunity to evolve as spiritual beings; all linked together by Life’s plan. I am blessed with four beautiful children, all in their twenties and well on their way to making their unique contribution to humanity. I was known as a “liberal” parent during their teenage years. While some adults would comment on my lack of rules, others would admire the close connection we had and I was often asked about my methods of parenting. Looking back, I now recognize two powerful forces that directly influenced me as a father: My childhood experiences with my own parents and my adult spiritual practice. I was raised in a household where there was little real communication. My parents were well intentioned and followed the patterns of their own upbringing. Feelings were generally not expressed because no one knew how. Although they were affectionate to a point, outbursts of frustration and anger combined with alcohol were commonplace and we were expected to figure the facts of life out on our own. I had no where to turn when I faced the fears of childhood and puberty. Somehow I was propelled to adopt the opposite approach and more than anything else, I desired to be close to my kids in the tumultuous teenage years. In order to help our children ride the wave of the current shift in human consciousness we must let go of the old and embrace new, meaningful ways of parenting. I’ll be sharing my insights of parenting teenagers in this article although what I’ve learned applies to younger children as well. I want to acknowledge the unique challenge of raising children with special needs. I have dear friends who have been given kids with various disabilities and I honor them and all parents who walk this road hand in hand with their children. Here’s what worked for me. CommunicationThe underlying principle in successful parenting is communication. All relationships require open and flowing exchange of love, emotion and ideas. Younger kids are naturally wide open and want to share everything they experience. The blockage in our connection to them is within us, the parents. Our own childhood programming, the pain, fear, and guilt that we carry around shut down the channel of communication with our teens. For instance, as a child I was very musical and at 13 years old I remember detesting my father standing behind me when I practiced the piano. During evening practice he would stand there leaning on the mantle with a martini in his hand watching every note I played, correcting my mistakes and trying to live vicariously though me. I wanted desperately to tell him to stop but I had no open door of sharing this with him. He was just acting out his own father’s pattern, totally unaware of my feelings. Today, most kids would let their father know exactly that what they felt in a similar situation. But how would you as a father react? Could you step out of the way and actually hear what your teen is saying or would you be stuck in frustration or anger, caught in a mini power vacuum unable to communicate effectively? It’s very possible that you could have turned this same experience into an opportunity for deeper love and growth with your son. Perhaps you would have heard his request without any inner resistance and then listened from another room or kept an ear on him while doing chores around the house. Later you could talk to him about his playing by beginning with a question about how he feels his practicing is coming along. After years of not having a 2 way connection with my parents I clearly recall making the inner commitment to one day having great communication with my own kids. Real parent and child sharing can only happen if we truly listen to them. ListeningListening is different than hearing. We hear peripheral sounds all the time without really listening to them because our attention is focused elsewhere. Listening to our kids is about giving them our undivided attention with a quiet mind and an open heart and receiving what they’re trying to communicate. This may not involve words. Sometimes it means listening to their body language or actions. Most of us now must relearn a skill that for children and all other living creatures is as natural as taking a breath. Again the issue here is with us, not the kids. As we grew up our minds became identified with our personality, indoctrinated by our culture and preoccupied with protecting our false self (ego). The numbing chatter box in our head became too loud for us to listen clearly. Our thoughts whiz by with commentary, questioning and defense while others talk to us. Adult minds generate thoughts primarily with language and memory of past experiences while children use pictures and metaphors to create thought forms. There is no background noise invading their clear perception of sight and sound. But by the time the teenage years roll around, they too are caught in a wheel of repetitive thought patterns almost all of which are ego driven. I found, however, that teenagers are still very open and ready for clear boundaries and insight from parents and mentors. How then do you return to true listening and receive their messages? First, become aware that you’re not listening. In other words, the next time you speak to your child or anyone for that matter, observe the “little me” in your head chatting away during the conversation. By watching yourself a space is created between that voice and the real you, the silent listener. You have just raised your level of consciousness. Then cultivate your desire to really listen to what is being said. No labeling, no inner discussion, just simple openness to the child in front of you. Catch yourself and concentrate on their words. If you practice this, you’ll hear amazing things coming from them. Your ability to respond (responsibility) will then take on new meaning in your relationships with those amazing beings in your life. Kids are old soulsThis may sound a little conceptual, but please hear me out. Viewing our children as offspring that must to be trained to conform to some predefined cultural structure is limiting. We have no power over who they are as spirits in a body. Over a trillion chemical transactions occur in our bodies every second without our help. We can’t even interrupt our own breathing for more than a few minutes. How can we possibly know with our finite minds who our children are on a spiritual level? If we suspend our beliefs and open up to the view that “Life” is an eternal, unborn, all encompassing presence then we will perceive something deeper about these perfectly created beings that come into our lives. Children are gifts to us, to nurture, love and care for until they become adults themselves. The gift of life, individualized in the form of a child is an experience one cannot comprehend until it arrives. Now, if life is eternal, then your life and everyone’s life in essence is unending. The body is born and one day dies, but life has no opposite and continues. As parents we must teach our children how to live in this world and become conscious, loving examples of humanity. I found that my kids, especially as teens, were regularly teaching me by being mirrors of the unhealed pain that I unconsciously dished out on them. When we see them as part of the whole of Life then we treat them as spiritual beings in a young body. Parenting rises to a new level and becomes the service of assisting them through the stages of growing up. A new perspective comes alive and instead of looking down on a kid you’ll look them straight in the eye and recognize an old soul who is part of your highest self. Help them discover their passionEveryone without exception is born with a unique gift or passion that is designed to be shared with the rest of us. Most people are unaware that there is a personalized expression of joy hidden inside them waiting for discovery. If everyone found their passion and lived it in some form the world would certainly be at peace. I’ve found that some parents are actually afraid of their children following their passion because they will surely be financially “unsuccessful”. Look at how far out of alignment our culture has become. Your children are pre-programmed to live their passion. All we have to do is help them discover it and trust in the universe that they will be provided for. You’ve heard the saying, “do what you love and the money will come”. Adults are paranoid of this simple truth because the pain of the great depression lives on. Reasonable rulesTeens are very intelligent and know intuitively everything you’ve ever done. They may even know it factually. Rules, based on the fear of what your kid might do because of your own teen behavior will fail. We are faced with a choice at some point in our kid’s lives that goes like this: Option 1 - “Oh God, if my kids EVER do what I did as a teenager I’ll die! There’s no way I’m going to allow them to get away with it! I’m already upset just remembering my past and how my parents went crazy on me.” Or, Option 2 - “Because I went though so much as a teenager, I’m going to stay in touch with my kids lives and I swear I’ll always be there for them no matter what happens. There’s nothing they could do that’s worse than I did, so at least I can draw on my experience and help them through whatever happens.” From my experience, the vast majority of parents choose option 1. Why? Age old patterns passed down through generations continue to be unconsciously acted out. Do you remember when you first saw the ghost of your mother or father in yourself while parenting? It’s amazing how old voices and behaviors are triggered when we have our own kids. You must be conscious enough in those moments to recognize your parents past energy trying to express itself and then choose to a higher road. Break out of the box! Follow your own inner guidance and trust that you’re doing the right thing. My wife and I had a few straightforward, reasonable but unchallenged rules. We explained to our kids that as a family all living in the same house, each of us had to do our individual part to make the whole function properly. Nobody was better than anyone else.
Conscious parenting is of course in our nature. We must cultivate the awareness to transcend the behavior patterns passed down to us by our fathers and mothers that come to life when we begin the awesome process of raising children. It’s time to make choices that come from our intuitive higher self in order to embrace the new parenting model; parenting that’s rooted in communication through the renewed ability to listen with stillness. We will see our children as spirits in human form, gifts from Life itself to nurture into whole loving contributors to the healing of our beautiful planet. They will naturally be drawn to their unique passion and when we honor them as individuals with rules that are reasonable but effective, we will experience their presence in our lives as pure joy. Father and FriendYou were born in front of me after so much laborThe shock of the new world didn't bother you Dazed and delighted I longed to be a good father and friend Your mom and I were exhausted by of four of you 2 girls and 2 boys oh that love's so deep In the middle of the night you'd climb into our bed, and I'd watch you fall asleep You were standing up, taking steps, crying out and laughing too Growing strong, playing hard and I was singing with you I taught you how to ride your bikes, and helped with your homework at night Sometimes it was hard and you’d get mad at me Then I'd wrap you in my arms and we would set ourselves free You entered your teens with no fear ready for anything Young love and temptation filled your world The struggle began as it always does and I knew I had to let you go You must rebel, try a bit of hell, and live to tell your own story Tell a lie, then apologize and recognize the truth Now you’re out there blazing your own trail Don’t forget the place within yourself Where you’re safe and you’re free. Be still and be free Find your love, and live the life, you’ve always dreamed I’ll be right there like I’ve always been Your father and friend Your father and friend Father and Friend (c) June 2003 H Hanson |
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"It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." - Robert F. Kennedy (1925-1968) |
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